Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Kua·la Lum·pur | kwa-le-lum-, pur | noun

            1. Humid madness. Manic and Amazing

So… I live in KL now. And these are my musings.

Okay. Okay. Okay. We’ll talk about the food, alright? Everyone will tell you that’s what really makes KL a great place to live. But first, let me be an archi-nerd.

I’m still figuring out where things are in KL. Finding my feet. Which is tricky in Kuala Lumpur because it’s an atypical city. An assortment of highly populated nodes, erratically strung together. Each separated by a threshold of dilapidated houses and shops, poorly lit and slightly unnerving to cross through.

*Please don’t get shived. Please don’t get shived*

And that’s if you know where you’re headed. Which can be tricky.

The masterplan of KL resembles a bowl of spaghetti tipped out on the floor- all twisted and rolling with no legibility and seemingly lacking structure. A knotted mat of jalans connected by overpasses, which strangle the newly arrived tourist’s ability to make sense of where you are- and where you’re headed. To get from A to B, one must first detour via C, Q and make a brief pass through Z. Perhaps this is a hangover of it’s sporadic tin mining heritage, built in sprawling clusters and connected by goat tracks.

Which is in itself part of the charm. Sometimes.

When experienced from the back seat of a taxi, the road networks are dizzying. Clogged and chaotic, with swarms of scooters honking as they wisp past the standstill traffic.

It reminds me of a scrum. Rolling forward. Heaving. Limbs and shoulders, pushing in and overtaking. Especially the cabs- the best of the worst- who cut in at the last moment, getting their elbows out as they jump from lane to lane.

I can’t imagine myself ever driving here. And if I did, I would undoubtedly find myself lost in no time.

So why not walk then, right?

Wrong.

KL seems to have forgotten the pedestrian. Okay, sure, the all-consuming humidity does somewhat kill the thought of any outdoor activity- but should you choose to brave the environment, you really won’t get too far. Footpaths just aren’t a thing. When you do manage to find one, you’ll quickly come to an abrupt point where the sidewalk ends for no reason and you’re surrounded by the torrent of cars. 

Honk. Honk.

Apparently, one does not walk in KL. They dart. They pick their moment and split between cars. A real life game of Frogger.

Don’t rush too quickly though, because that humidity will turn you into a puddle on the side of the road in no time. It’s impossible to escape the humidity when you’re outside. No matter what time of day or night. It’s there. And strangely, the architecture generally responds poorly to the climate. Sealed boxes, mechanically cooled. Everyone hidden in their air conditioning. Which is a crime- because when you do find a building that has been carefully designed- it great.

Aww man. Its really great.

Masjid Negara- the National Mosque, is a perfect example. A concrete umbrella, surrounded by a moat of water and wrapped in arabesque screens. Its high ceilings and open floor plan allow breezes to flow through the screens, gently sweep across the ponds, and cool its patrons- who are hidden within the well shaded confines of it spaces.

It’s so simple. But it works so well.

It also gets you away from the haze for a little while.

Ahhh the haze. My ‘get out of jail card’ conversation-maker when meeting new people. The locals love to tell you who’s to blame, why it’s someone else’s fault, and how long it’ll last for. The expats will all tell you how wrong the API readings are.

“It’s atleast 70 points off”

All I know is I haven’t seen the sun for a month. Just an orange glowing globe screened by a blanket of grey, thick haze.

And despite all this- Kuala Lumpur is amazing. A-Ma-Zing. It’s alive and it’s heaving and it’s exciting and it’s manic. How could you not love that?

And then there’s the food. Aww man. The food!

Out. Of. This. World.

But I think I’ll talk about it next time. I know, I know- I said I’d talk about the food here, but I need to go get my frogger-action on. What a stitch up, right?

Oh. And I met a monkey.